you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
