woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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