The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
