Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
