I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
