he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
