So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
