I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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