Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
