He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
