If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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