my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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