**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
