I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
