You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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