I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
