You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
