She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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