What did we do last night that was yellow?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
is that a dick in a sweater?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
