If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
