Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
