He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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