my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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