4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
