I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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