I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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