You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
