He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
