So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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