I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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