She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
