If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
