is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
