I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
