the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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