girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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