Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Fuck appropriateness.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
