I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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