i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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