I am in a vortex of obligation.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
