You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
