people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
