I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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