My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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