she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
