i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
