Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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