so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
