I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
