Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
