I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
